Value: Speaking about disagreements openly. Living together in a family, community or in any group will inevitably bring about disagreements, differences of opinion or situations where we are angry at one another. The Torah has given us insights, through its commandments, on the way to create a properly functioning society. One of those ideas is that it is better to discuss our disagreements with our neighbor openly, rather than to harbor ill feelings inside. Our sages have applied this to many situations and we can apply it to our lives and the lives of our children.

Context: The second of the two perashiyot that we read this Shabbat is called "Qedoshim." In this perasha the Torah calls upon us to be sanctified. Sanctity is defined in many ways throughout the perasha—many of them having to do with proper relationships between people (for example, paying employees on time, not gossiping, not lying). This definition of sanctity includes the commandment to rebuke one another rather than to hate them.

Discussion: Why is it wrong to "hate your brother in your heart?" (Pent up hate can erupt into violent action against the person you hate.)

What does "reprove" mean? (It means to tell someone when they did something wrong.*) Why is it important to tell someone when they did you wrong? (They might not be aware that they hurt you. If you don’t tell them, they might hurt you again. You might have misunderstood them. It gives them a chance to say they are sorry. It gives them a chance to grow by learning from their mistakes.)

What does " that you not bear sin because of him" mean? What sin would you bear? (Hating someone is sinful. Or, if he repeats the action you will bear the sin because you did not tell him that he did something wrong.)

Our sages have explained the phrase, "that you not bear sin because of him," to limit the way you should reprove him.

In other words, we should not incur a sin by the way we reprove our neighbor. The sages tell us not to reprove in a way that embarrasses him, (for example, do not reprove him in public, or in an insulting way.)

One way to remove hate is to talk about the problem openly.

Do you think that this is easy or hard to do? What makes it difficult? Is there anyone that you would like to speak to about the way they treated you? (Our sages have said that the this reproof applies from the student to the Rabbi as well as from the rabbi to the student. By extension it applies to every situation.) Of course, the reproof should always be done in a respectful way.

Describe situations where you reproved someone and what difficulties you faced in doing so. How did you overcome the obstacles? Why did you reprove the person? What was the outcome? (Modeling the behavior and giving real-life examples are the best way to teach the value.)

This is the next verse:

What is the connection between the verses? (Hating, not reproving can lead to anger and vengeance.

Is taking someone to court considered "vengeance?" No. It is part of creating a just society.

How does the action of reproving eventually lead to a loving relationship? (By getting things out into the open and dealing with them we can often have a deeper relationship.)

You might want to let your children know that many times when we quarrel with our spouses it is because we want to bring things out into the open, in order to really deal with them and understand one another. We want to have a deeper, more loving relationship. The way to get there is sometimes difficult.

Our sages have stated this idea in the following stark way:

*For your information:

re·prove (r-prv)
v. tr. re·proved, re·prov·ing, re·proves.

1. To voice or convey disapproval of; rebuke. To find fault with.

(Source: The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3^rd Edition)]